Got this funny chain mail a while back. Please read and feel free to share!

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when Custard Cream supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgium does not have a government, so is incapable of having any warning level. All on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the modern Spanish fleet can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case. They have also made a point of threatening their allies with punitive action if the allies catch the criminals first…

India has setup multiple intelligence agencies and anti-terror committees to ensure such evil is stamped out. However nobody is willing to pay bribes to eliminate terrorism, and the terrorists don’t pay bribes – so no work gets done in either direction.

Pakistan clearly does not side with the terrorists, although they do not have a definitive stand ‘against’ them. Interestingly their top government intelligence organization is listed on America’s terror group list (so says Guardian) which can get confusing…

Meanwhile in the southern hemisphere…

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!” Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shit, I hope Austrulia will come end rescue us”. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position, called Bondi.
It might be worth noting that New Zealand would be unable to raise an army as its soldiers are all currently deployed playing orcs in the upcoming Hobbit 2 movie.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled.” It should be noted that there has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Disclaimer: Threats exist, and not taking positive action for the safety and security of the people is unforgivable. This joke is to be taken as such, and does not poke fun in any way at war, terrorism or the lives lost. This joke is of unknown origin, received as a chain mail a while back.

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About Chaitanya Dhareshwar

Chaitanya Dhareshwar, a Technocrat | CIO.

Member of various key technology and management organizations (IETF, ISOC, CSI)
with 14 years of technology management & advisory experience
has transformed companies from "stone age" to "space age". I build high-scale, self-sustaining, self-service platforms. Passionate about technology, innovation and creating killer opportunities that only great tech can bring. I've led teams from 5 - 150 people, and am hands-on with all forms of technology.

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